Bah Humbug!

Before I begin, let me establish that I fully understand the true meaning of Christmas. I do. But, that being said, I also love everything about Christmas (commercial and otherwise).

I love presents. I love buying them. I love wrapping them. I love giving them. And, I love getting them. I love baking cookies and making candy. I love driving at night to look at lights (the beautiful and the tacky). I love decorating the tree. I love singing Christmas carols at the top of my lungs when I think nobody is listening.

This year, something is different. I seem to be lacking any holiday spirit.

Today I decorated the Christmas tree while carols were playing on XM radio. Normally, I gently unwrap the ornaments, excited to see what is behind the paper that kept them safe for the past year. Once unwrapped, I carefully examine the tree to locate the perfect position for each ornament. Today, I ripped the paper from each ornament and hung those suckers as quickly as possible. I even found myself annoyed by the Christmas music that I had playing in the background and switched the station to a channel playing 80's music. That's not all!  Typically, once I begin the decorating process I don't stop until everything is in place. When I finished with the tree today, I shoved the boxes with the remaining decorations in the corner. The rest could wait for another day.

I have been suffering from a bit of a headache today. My husband and I met up with some old classmates of mine and their spouses last evening. The wine and conversation were flowing. I have a hard time believing, however, that a slight hangover could dampen my holiday spirit.

Perhaps it has to do with the fact that this has been a stressful year. I became unemployed in June (for the second time in 12 months). After 15 years working at a job I loved, and at which I was successful, the company for which I worked was struggling. I was one of nearly 300 employees laid off in June of 2008. I went to work for another organization six months later. It was the wrong fit from the get go (for them and for me). So, in June of 2009 I once again found myself unemployed.

The economy sucks right now. No denying that. And the job market in Michigan is not so hot either. I generally spend a lot of freaking money at Christmas. Not this year. So, maybe that has dampened my spirit a bit. (Remember, as previously established, I DO understand the real the meaning of Christmas).

I anticipated that this might be a problem. I had a plan.  I would make a lot of gifts. I reassured myself that it would be fun, “You’re not working now, Jill. You have extra time". Shortly after having that conversation with myself, we all got sick. Maybe it was the swine flu. Maybe not. It doesn't really matter. The "influenza-like" illness pretty much wiped my family out of commission for a month.

Suddenly, Christmas is just four weeks away and the gifts I had planned to make are still in the planning stages. So maybe that has got me down a bit.

Thanksgiving was nice. Our family was together. We hung out with friends. We ate leftovers. But, Thanksgiving is over and Christmas is on the way. Normally, I would be oozing with excitement. This year I find myself wanting to stand in the way of the rapidly approaching holiday. I want to shout, "Stay the hell away! I am not ready for you! I need more time! I need a job! I want more money!"

Christmas isn't scared of me. It is coming anyway. I need to find my holiday spirit.

Really, what's my problem? So I won't be able to spend as much money. That's not so bad. So the kids won't get as many things. They get way too much stuff anyway. So there won't be as many gifts to open. Big deal. That is not what Christmas is all about anyway. Get over it, Jill! Find a little cheer. Celebrate the season. Start belting out the carols and enjoy it, dammit! Establish new (cost-effective) traditions. Give all of the toys that the kids got for Christmas last year (and don't play with) to charity.

I know. I know. I KNOW! And, I don't care. Things are going to be different this year. Old traditions will go undone. There won't be as much giving. All of this makes me want to scream, "Bah Humbug!"

Maybe I really don't understand the true meaning of Christmas. Or maybe I do, but I just don't care because I really enjoy the giving gifts thing. It really doesn't matter because Christmas is coming and I can't stop it. I can't even slow it down a little.

So, tonight I will close my eyes and rest. And tomorrow, I will hopefully wake up headache free and find myself in the mood to sing Christmas carols. If not, I may need a good swift kick in the you know what.